Never Enough part duex

Why will it still never matter how much I do?
I do all these things and nothing I do is ever good enough. No matter what comes out of your mouth, when you tell me I'm a disappointment, and a failure... YOU'RE KILLING ME!!!!
I just want to curl up in a ball under my desk and forget this week ever happened, but I still have to paint this smile on my face and do all the things...

the black hole

I have this darkness in me that feels like it will swallow me whole. I am so sick and damn tired of people telling me that it could be worse... NO ... no it can not be worse.. this is as bad as it's ever been so this is the worst... 

  There are only 2 things I see happening here... either I get in my truck and keep driving until I run out of gas and start over in that town or I melt down until I am completely unrecognizable.... 

I'm dying

Falling apart

every day that goes by I feel shreds of my soul shrivel up fall off and blow away.....
The day my son was born I thought there was nothing so beautuifl and true in this world... I wanted .. no I needed everything to be good for him...
I wanted him ho have a fantastic childhood with millions of memories of how wonderful it was.
And I have some how damaged him beyond all repair...
ADHD... and everything he needs. this place and everything it is....
WHERE AM I?????? ohhh yeah.. i disappeared into the Ocean of shame I feel because he is damaged, the house is damaged hell even the dog is damaged....
I wish I could fix him... but I can't fix what I don't know......
I'm so sorry I failed as your mother my sweet son

THIEF!!!

When my baby was born you were there, not because I invited you but because you intruded where you were not asked.
His first bath.. you gave it to him cause you said I wouldn't know what to do
I had to go back to work 8 weeks later and leave him and yup you were there that first night feeding him solid food for the first time... without me...
His first trip to the beach... without me....
his first ice cream..... without me...
I saw what was happening and questioned you.. you swore to me that you were not doing that.. HE IS MINE
Even now.... you give him everything he wants, you're the good time girl.. I have to be the asshole..
I tell him it's time to do homework you ask him if he will help you bathe the dog..
I tell him he needs to clean his room.. you tell him to come watch tv with you
I tell him go to bed.. .you let him sleep with you.
All of the things I am supposed to have.all of the time I should have with him you seal it away like a theif.
All of the snuggles and love he freely gives to you because you let him do whatever and say whatever and I get what is leftover... whatever you didn't steal from me.
and now..... he is lost to me forever, because he wants to be with you...

Rights..... the way I see it

YOU HAVE NO RIGHT!!!!!!!!!
You have no right to inflict your insanity on those around you
You have no right to rant and rave about things you think should be done when you do nothing around here
You have no right to be so random...
You have no right to play games with people's emotions
You have no right to take and take and take all the time when the only giving you do is a roof.. no emotions, no self, nothing but a place to stay
You have no right to steal my son's Hero away from him by talking so nasty about his father.
You old nasty son of a bitch you have choices and insist on always making the one that hurts me the worst... you won't eat anything I touch, you won't talk to me even when I manufacture crap to talk about that you are interested in. you treat me like I am stupid and a waste of time.
you are mean and nasty and you have gotten worse and worse as time goes on... for the last 15 years you have been De-evolving and now you are something cold and lumpy grey... there is no life left in you that is worth a shit and you just treat the people around you like garbage.
No one and nothing is good enough for you.
Some day.... when your body fails you.. and you wish someone would spend time with you, love you and comfort you..... I hope you remember these days and know that while I am wiping the drool from your chin that I do.

Really?????

so I'm reading Facebook comments and I read: "apparently research shows that by having "thicker" women on magazine covers and in commercials it sends signals to our brains that say "oh, it's okay to be fat and eat whatever I want to.. so why should i stop now?" and believe it or not.. i kind of agree to what they are saying."
ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME????? At what point in this lifetime did we give up all accountability? at what point do we embrace the ridicules?? it's no wonder the Economy is shit, there aren't any jobs and by the time I retire there won't be social security... we spend so much time passing the buck we can't get anything done!!!
We are a nation of litigious, lazy, no account unteachable heathens.
We will pay lip service to what we think others want to her.. "praise God" " no child left behind" all the while out of the other side of our mouths we are putting the responsibility on someone else. It's not the drunks fault that he drove over and killed 12 people... it's the bartenders, and the bar owners, and hell let's even sue the liquor manufacturer while we're down there...
It would never occur to people to accept responsibility for there own actions.
HOW CAN ANYONE BE TAUGHT???????
you cannot teach someone the right way to do something if they do not accept that they have done it wrong. Mistakes are part of life and not everyone makes the team!!!!!
Holy Crap that makes me so pissed!!!

Lonely

I lived alone once. A long time ago. I hated it.. every minute of it... I don't like what happens to me when I am all alone. I think about things that I should not I want to do things that I should not.
My hubby asked me the other day "why do you always have the tv on or the radio or a wave machine? what is the problem with silence?"
Are you kidding?? what is the problem?? IT'S TOO LOUD!!!!!!! it's loud in my head, it's loud in my heart it makes me feel bruised and bitter. it makes me want to sleep forever